The arse whisperer

German man Ulf Buck claims to have the uncanny ability to read people’s futures by feeling their naked buttocks. The “arse-whisperer” (or “ass-whisperer” for our American readers) is blind, which only heightens his sixth sense.

Buck explains:

“Bottoms have lines like those on the palm of the hand, which can be read to reveal much about character and destiny. An apple-shaped, muscular bottom indicates someone who is charismatic, dynamic, very confident and often creative… A pear-shaped bottom suggests someone very steadfast, patient, down-to-earth.”

Buck began practicing his technique on a group of friends. He didn’t explain how the first conversation went, but I’m guessing it went something like this:

BUCK: Want me to read your future?

ATTRACTIVE GIRL: Sure, what do I need to do?

BUCK: Oh it’s easy, just pop your trousers off and give me a quick feel of your buttocks.

ATTRACTIVE GIRL: … Are you sure you don’t just want to touch my arse?

BUCK: No it’s nothing like that.

ATTRACTIVE GIRL: Is this anything like the time you claimed you could read my future by reading the lines on the inside of my vagina?

BUCK: This is strictly professional. I get no enjoyment out of it. I’m simply performing a service.

ATTRACTIVE GIRL: Why are you taking your pants off?

Ulf Buck, hard at work

Another unanswered question is, how did Buck discover this gift? Again, he made no comment about this, but I’m assuming it was during foreplay, deep in the throws of passion, and it probably went something like:

BUCK’S GIRLFRIEND: Get a condom Elf.

BUCK: You’re going to die in a plane crash.

BUCK’S GIRLFRIEND: What?

BUCK: Nothing.

Buck is not alone, but is in fact part of an elite few psychics known as “rumpologists”. I’m not making this up. If you’re interested in having your rump read, Jacqueline Stallone, America’s foremost rumpologist and mother of Sylvester Stallone, performs readings by mail. Check out her website here.